On the road to recovery

In the not so many days from my breakdown, I have often looked back and shudder. At the what ifs, and the what have nots.

I am on the road to recovery, for myself and my inner soul.
Every day, I pray to God, that I have the strength to continue on.

It seems that Life is full of potholes, and when it rains, it pours.
Whether it be good fortune or bad, everything seems to come together.

To be frank, I am fatigued. Fatigued by the constant quarrels that surround and embroil me in their midst. I am confused, what is happening?
There seems to be no place to step upon, and every where there are little whirl pools of disaster. I am standing on a tight rope, yet I have no choice but to advance.

I wish to there to be  a time for me to rest and think, to replot my direction. The reality remains that the World has other thoughts and persist on hounding me.

Where can I place my foot upon?

The saving grace of God. Please save me from this mire of doubts, and guide me across this dangerous land.

Where will I find myself after this? I don't know, and I hope that there is a place I can rest before the next race.

The Cardinal Sin

I was cooking, preparing food for the coming week. My work is hard, and my social life confined. I cannot read or write, talk or type without a person standing or sitting beside me staring at everything I do.

I spent days and night, listening to complains against my person, about how many wrongs I have done and continue to do, about how flawed my person is.

It is also about how many sacrifices have been made and of how ungrateful a person I was.

I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that when I went for a therapy session on how I am apparently emotionless and a dickhead, hence the very expensive hypno-therapy, that things will not end pretty.

So the condition of endless anger and accusations from morning to morning, before daybreak to after midnight, with sleep disruptions factored in the middle. I am still expected to go to work and function as well as a normal person in the day, with smiles and laughter, because we just cannot live without the money and security the job brings.

I went to the toilet, the food is left on the stove simmering and the scolding continued and then I decided to leave this place.

I took my keys, wallet and thought that I should top-up my fare card. It was running out of value. Thoughtlessly crossing the road outside of my house into traffic.

The traffic stopped and the driver did not angrily honk at me. I made it pass the road safely. Damn.

The road outside my house is famous for having several hit and run lethal accidents, yet nothing happened to me.

Then I proceed to the station to top-up my farecard.

All along, my mind kept churning out methods of dying, killing myself. They say that suicide is a pre-mediated crime, that is true.

Every day I think of taking my Life and today the urge is especially strong. Strong as when I tried to suicide by hanging twenty years ago in my room. The set up is very simple. You only need to not be able to support yourself against the floor. A dictionary, book binder and the cupboard handle did the job. I almost died had I not changed my mind after hanging for maybe 10-20 seconds.

I wanted to throw away the bag I had on me, containing all my Worldly goods. It did not matter at all, it felt more like an albatross than anything worth to treasure.

It does not matter that I will not have anything to identify myself with, or my money or my future. There is nothing to look forward to.

Somehow, I think I was reluctant to suicide. Half the time while I planned my death, the other half kept me from just going up the next block to jump, or to throw away all my stuff and fling myself against the traffic again and I thought, 'let's top-up this farecard first. Then walk to a place I know at the park and jump into the reservoir.'

So I continued walking, the surroundings hardly mattered and I was so focused until someone called my name and stepped infront of me.

It took me a while to recover and look at the person, who turns out to be a friend whom I had not contacted for the past 5 years. Not when I graduated, nor our common friend married, or when her brother married nor when her father died; and she called me, stalling me in my task.

We exchanged pleasantries and she invited me to her house for a sit.
Basically, to do nothing.
I knew her for over a decade, so I know that we would be just lounging about.

A few things crossed my mind. The suicide plan, the despair, the failed run-into-traffic and die plan, and the fact that in the past five years I have not met her, it is to meet her now and for her to gain my attention, it must mean that this is a chance given to me by God.

I know so I grabbed it and went to her house.

The reason being that I hardly stop for anyone when they call me, most of the time I do not notice. What are the chances that she successfully stopped me in my tracks?

Two, I did not give any hint as to what I was planning to do.

Three, I was willing very much so to go to 'Hell' for suicide, because it is just too painful to remain alive.

Four, if I do not go to her place. I will most surely go alone to the park and jump into the waters there.

So I went and spent the afternoon there. She asked me something and I told her that I left my phone at home, so she remarked that it is a rare person to not have a mobile phone attached to the hip. I told her it was deliberate, and her sister thought that I wanted to be disconnected.

Yes. I wanted to disconnect from this World. I didn't need the phone.

She asked me about my job, and I told her it was the still the same, teaching at the same school. Her sister showed me her 'new' room.

I guess being re-connected to normal life without constant abuse is good. The abuser is not a person I can abandon, though for a moment I wanted to abandon them. I guess this is what they call 'care-giver stress'.

Today is really an experience that is unexpected, and perhaps I will happen to go through it again. Though I am not sure if this almost suicide will become real when I run out of chances to grab on to Life.

The motivation to continue

How can I last for another five more years? I do not know.
I feel the need to be reenergised every morning and find meaning behind my work.
My soul feels like a plant that has gone too long without water.
However, we all have our commitments and our debts, so I have to remain employed.
The world is rich and at the same time, money does not just grow on trees.
In order to provide for those who depend on my income, I have to continue plodding along.

Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. – 1 Timothy 5:8

Now, I can pray for my debts to be absolved and think that with no obligation to pay for my debts, I can be free as a bird. However, I must not forget that a man still must eat bread. Even after my debts are absolved, I will still need to work to survive.

There are still responsibilities to be held. Responsibilities to those who are dependent on me, and though I am tired, I cannot give up. Even though, I may cut down on my food and drink the same cannot be said of my family. The babies, still need their milk and the elderly need their gruel.

However, forcing myself to continue to work when my heart is not in it, is putting its drain on me.

Perhaps I am foolish.

For Psalm 127 says,

¹ Unless the Lord builds the house,
    the builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
    the guards stand watch in vain.
² In vain you rise early
    and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
    for he grants sleep to^[a] those he loves.

 

But I will never know. If the work is available then I have to grab it. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

What joy and laughter? What providence? What sorrow?

There are just too many unknowns.

No matter what, I just feel so tired and fatigued. All I can do is to move along and complete my dues. Perhaps then I will be paid for all the work that I have done.

References

http://biblehub.com/commentaries/1_timothy/5-8.htm

Frustrations

Today, I want to blog about my frustrations.

I find with that I have actually become busier and busier with this and that. So much so that 24 hours a day is insufficient.

I am unsure if it is due to my incompetence for inefficiency of using my time, or if I have overloaded my plate.

Of course, I have gone on courses on how to increase my productivity and one of the things the trainer mentined is focusing on completing each job so that the efficiency and quality of the outcome is assured.
That means that I give priority to what I am doing and place other things on the back burner for the moment.

I have tried that too, and I find that made my family upset about me.

Often, I find that when I am the busiest, trying to complete my learning/ having to attend a syncronised webinar/ just doing work, that everybody else starts wanting my attention.

So that frustrates me.

Also, it seems as though some of things that everyone is forcing me to place their work as the most urgent priority and keep hounding me to complete their item. It is as if they have nothing else to do but to demand from me work.So how am I ever going to complete things that I want to achieve?

To tell the truth, I feel very much abused. Both at work and at home. Although I am allowed to lve I am not allowed to make my own decisions, and take things at my own pace.

This makes me very very frustrated and being told that I have 10371463075623476 faults does not help me at all.

So I need to go for a hynotherapy to cure me off my lack of emotions? I think that I am just too exhausted everyday dealing with all the rubbish that is being forced upon me to respond like a normal human being. What is a normal human being any way?

We are not all well behaved. When a certain behaviour or standard is demanded of us, we are expected to meet it. Especially when we have transitioned into an adult. Poof! You are to be able to change what you feel about things immediately and do it sincerely, without seeming to be faking it.

So what if I am faking it? Isn't that required of me?

But faking things has is consequences, that I am feeling for years now. Being totally hollow inside.
And now it has become a problem.

Why? That is because people don't want a person who is just faking things, even though things are going swimmingly along.

That's hypocritical isn't it. Humans are such demanding creatures, wanting everything to be done their way and results to go their way and at the end of things, they say, " Oh! I am sorry, I want things to be more real."

What?

So all the effort that I have put in is for nothing?

Apparently so.

And I found out that everything else is important to them but what you really feel. It doesn't matter if you have voiced out what you wanted. In the end, they will use your words against you by cornering you and not giving chances so that you will follow whatever they planned.

So what should I do?

I have yet to find out.

Meanwhile I did a search online and stumbled upon two articles, which I read and found many similarities of my life with what is written. I think that I will be rereading those and come to terms with what is happening to my life.

I will like to share the articles here.

Not much. Good luck.

Here are two articles I read:
https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/the-dangers-of-faking-it-in-ministry
http://www.luke173ministries.org/466817

The Falsehood Of Love

What is Love? Is it just a word that is uttered for you to gain what you want?

When you think to manipulate someone with words of Love, then I think that you are displaying a decidedly unchristian like behaviour.

 

It may not even be ‘Christian’ or ‘Buddhism’ or any type of religion for that matter. When you think to achieve something using by manipulating the emotion of ‘Love’, it is like a thief or a robber which comes to burglarise another’s safe haven.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. – Romans 12:9

 

When we receive declarations of love from others, we can feel the sincerity behind what is said.

While it may sound good, but when there is a skewed reason other than that which is true, then the feelings that it is supposed to bring up will go missing.

When we receive declarations of Love and we feel that there is something off about it, we must be clear minded enough to find out the motivations behind it.

What is the person in love with?

Is the person in love with the idea of having children, whether adopted or his own?

Is the person in love with the feeling of love?

Is the person in love with being popular?

Is the person in love with….

There are so many possibilities, it is difficult to pin-point what it is.

However, when put to the test. The one to abandon ship first is the one who is least interested in understanding the real fundamentals behind what Love is.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is not something that you can measure and explain. When there is an objective measure then you will find that it disappoints. The reason why we love something is subject to our feelings, so to determine the boundaries of love is impossible.

When we claim to love another not due to the pure feeling of wanting to be together, then it is a hypocrisy.

So what does the bible say about hypocrisy?

 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. – Romans 12:9

We cannot think to force ourselves on each other. A natural way of cultivating love is the way, do not think of temptations, and also not to tempt the other. By way of flaunting our assets, we try to use our minds more than our hearts and ignore that we should take both together in equal weightage.

N.B. This post first appeared in "Life Of Faith: Exploration".

Life's purpose

The bible states that God has a purpose for us and we live to fulfil this purpose.

To some it may seem horrifying that they do not have a say in their life while to others it is a relief as they are not needed to make any decisions, thinking that everything is fixed since the start of time.

“But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth” - Exodus 9:16.

The truth is that though we all have a God determined purpose, our actions do matter and our choices do change our Life.

I do not dare to profess to know what is the overarching purpose of my Life but somehow, I have always known what it is that I want out of my Life.

My goals in Life is something that I look forward to fulfilling, how I do it will somehow affect the people around me.

I can choose to focus on those who are important to me, or on myself; and I have found that focusing on others brings greater benefit and joy to myself.

My reward is to meet my goal and then to get more out of it then I have anticipated originally.

“The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out” - Proverbs 20:5

Only when we are free to pursue what it is in our hearts, can we find solutions to resolve the chains that bind us. It does not matter what opportunities present themselves to you.

When you are unable to meet up to the challenge and lack the skills or confidence to overcome your problems, you often find yourself dejected and fearful.

The truth is that there is nothing to fear of making mistakes and amends. Nor do I mean that we forget about things that have passed and mistakes that are made and focus only on what is to come.

I think that it is equally important to focus on the future as well as making sure that any mistake that is made is properly amended and accounted for before we move on to the next part of our life. It make not be always possible, so it is important to set a deadline to complete our own review of what has happened.

So how does that come up to finding our purpose in our Life?

By committing ourselves to working towards our goals, undergoing experiences and reviewing our past will ultimately lead us to the answer of what our purpose in Life in.

The bible says that the purpose of Man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

Now you may ask, so what about the purpose of those murderers or evil despots? Are what they do, also part of God’s purpose?

Unfortunately yes.

If we do not know what is wrong, we will not know what is right.

Just like the two sides of a coin, they are different and essential.

A coin with a single face is a fraud, useless and without value.

So who are we to insist that everything must be perfect and good?

So too is our purpose and our journey to find it.

For some, we find out our purpose early, while for others it is only evident at the end of our life.

What is important is not about knowing our exact purpose, what is important is to live our Life as fully as we can, to seek to improve ourselves and people about us and to continue to live according to what is good and true.

Then I think we will finally see the results of our work and finally be able to clearly view what our God determined purpose really is.

The reason for technology

We are truly a blessed people.

To have desired and come across the idea of technology. Using the science of craft and the skillfulness of hand, we are able to overcome many of the so called limitations of man.

For many with the knowledge that is gained, there is a distrust of that which is deemed as the supranatural.

But is God supranatural?

We have managed with some success to make miracles, grow entire creatures off a petridish and replace organs.

With our knowledge that we have gotten from our studies, we move closer and closer to what we think as the power to create.
Of course there are good and bad sides to the same coin.

Coupled with a much more diverse and open community as well as the freedom of speech and expression, we find out more about our religious leaders and become increasingly desensitised to their corrupt actions.

Have people become more corrupt?

I think not. It is just that with better technology the propensity for corruption to happen and for it to be discovered and propagated, more and more of these news come to light.

It is not our faith in God that has been shaken but our faith in the person that has degenerated.

Without guidance from strong religious leaders, who leads through righteous example and only by their firm belief in God, the sheep are blind.

So has technology corrupted us?

We must know that it is but a tool.

A tool that is so powerful to use, for both good and evil. That without proper control, can easily cause hurt. Much like a simple hammer or a lever.

We must remember that the reason for technology is to improve our livelihood and to help us pursue the truth which is God.