Daily pressure

Fear, anxiety and despair.

I am so familiar with these feelings. Sometimes, it comes in the mornings, sometimes in the afternoons, or even the night. It may be just a fleeting thought, or it could last for hours, days even. and the one common denomination is people.

I know, Jim Rohn always said, "Don't wish it were easier, wish you were better.@


I do, I do wish. Though I wish it were easier.

My heart aches for a reason, that I do not know.

Maybe it is disappointment. I am determined to know.

At my age, I can hardly believe that I am still finding myself. Habits have been formed and I am going to change them.

Work takes up much of my say, then chores. I have to take some time off, to look for a Life, much more a Life partner.

My friend just told me " what's the worst that could happen?"

" Death?"

The truth is I am not that afraid to die, just what happens if I don't?

The Lord not Idols – Isaiah 44:19

Perhaps I have too much time and space in my hands, I cannot stop thinking about things that could be, things that ought to be, and the myriad things that I wish it to be.

I can understand if one is to be driven away from their origin and bow to idolatry.

I confess that I have many times and have ever entertained the thought of going for the easy way out, and commit my actions to knowingly do all the wrong things, if only to get a better chance.

I confess that the urges are great, and I have often fallen prey to the thought of wanting something more or something better. That I am often taken to swoon-worthy heights and crash on to the hard ground called reality all too often.

To get onto your knees and bow in supplication is surprisingly easy to do. There is nothing that cannot be done, and there is no money that is not to be spent. Perhaps it is guilt or desperation. That things that can be solved by money are simple problems. Perhaps, I want to make the problems that seem insurmountable disappear all at once, and that it got all my troubles away even for a short while.

So we bow, and grovel with the hope that all these actions will make things better. Soetimes it does, and others it does not; but when it does, we believe more in the action, and when it does not, we think that the same action must be repeated with more reverence and in greater quantity, for it to finally succeed.

The Lord not Idols – Isaiah 44:19

¹⁹ No one stops to think,
no one has the knowledge or understanding to say,
“Half of it I used for fuel;
I even baked bread over its coals,
I roasted meat and I ate.
Shall I make a detestable thing from what is left?
Shall I bow down to a block of wood?”

When we are lost, and the future is all murky. We are desperate to find and grasp any tiny streak of hope.

We sometimes forget that we have within ourselves the ability to make small changes so that we may perhaps overcome our problems.

If one method is not working, then we have to try another. The future is never certain, what is certain is if we do not allow for sufficient time and effort, and consult a wisdom, then history of our Lives will be written forever by another’s hand.

What now seems to be inutile may in the future be the grain that tips the scales in our favour.

I cannot give up, and I must remember that the Lord is there for me, and I must move along with his Grace. The trails that I encounter will make me a better person, and Life has to still be lead.

 
https://www.studylight.org/commentary/isaiah/44-19.html
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Isaiah+44%3A19&version=KJV

About writing and living

I try to write, I really do and I find that it is really difficult to do.
Sometimes the words come out flowing like water.
Other times, they disappear like mist under the sun.

When writing, I tend to focus on what is being written. Whether the content is good and concise, rather than think of what rewards will be to come.

Of course, I will be lieing if I say that I do not expect my books to sell. A person should be paid for the good work that he does.

Suffice to say, this year has been like a drought that has come to my land.
The fields are dry, and I wait with growing anxiety if there are any harvests to be done.

Many things are happening, and I know that the coming years will only become tougher.
How will things change for me? That I can only speculate.

I wish for more money, yet there aways seem to be not enough.
I walk about with less than 2 dollars in my pocket, and look with longing at the vending machines filled with cool drinks.
It is a good thing that I have a bottle, to fill up from the hose.

I should be thankful, for the water. After all, that is all I need to survive.

And I wish with all my heart, to be more than surviving. To have more of everything.

On the road to recovery

In the not so many days from my breakdown, I have often looked back and shudder. At the what ifs, and the what have nots.

I am on the road to recovery, for myself and my inner soul.
Every day, I pray to God, that I have the strength to continue on.

It seems that Life is full of potholes, and when it rains, it pours.
Whether it be good fortune or bad, everything seems to come together.

To be frank, I am fatigued. Fatigued by the constant quarrels that surround and embroil me in their midst. I am confused, what is happening?
There seems to be no place to step upon, and every where there are little whirl pools of disaster. I am standing on a tight rope, yet I have no choice but to advance.

I wish to there to be  a time for me to rest and think, to replot my direction. The reality remains that the World has other thoughts and persist on hounding me.

Where can I place my foot upon?

The saving grace of God. Please save me from this mire of doubts, and guide me across this dangerous land.

Where will I find myself after this? I don't know, and I hope that there is a place I can rest before the next race.

The Cardinal Sin

I was cooking, preparing food for the coming week. My work is hard, and my social life confined. I cannot read or write, talk or type without a person standing or sitting beside me staring at everything I do.

I spent days and night, listening to complains against my person, about how many wrongs I have done and continue to do, about how flawed my person is.

It is also about how many sacrifices have been made and of how ungrateful a person I was.

I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that when I went for a therapy session on how I am apparently emotionless and a dickhead, hence the very expensive hypno-therapy, that things will not end pretty.

So the condition of endless anger and accusations from morning to morning, before daybreak to after midnight, with sleep disruptions factored in the middle. I am still expected to go to work and function as well as a normal person in the day, with smiles and laughter, because we just cannot live without the money and security the job brings.

I went to the toilet, the food is left on the stove simmering and the scolding continued and then I decided to leave this place.

I took my keys, wallet and thought that I should top-up my fare card. It was running out of value. Thoughtlessly crossing the road outside of my house into traffic.

The traffic stopped and the driver did not angrily honk at me. I made it pass the road safely. Damn.

The road outside my house is famous for having several hit and run lethal accidents, yet nothing happened to me.

Then I proceed to the station to top-up my farecard.

All along, my mind kept churning out methods of dying, killing myself. They say that suicide is a pre-mediated crime, that is true.

Every day I think of taking my Life and today the urge is especially strong. Strong as when I tried to suicide by hanging twenty years ago in my room. The set up is very simple. You only need to not be able to support yourself against the floor. A dictionary, book binder and the cupboard handle did the job. I almost died had I not changed my mind after hanging for maybe 10-20 seconds.

I wanted to throw away the bag I had on me, containing all my Worldly goods. It did not matter at all, it felt more like an albatross than anything worth to treasure.

It does not matter that I will not have anything to identify myself with, or my money or my future. There is nothing to look forward to.

Somehow, I think I was reluctant to suicide. Half the time while I planned my death, the other half kept me from just going up the next block to jump, or to throw away all my stuff and fling myself against the traffic again and I thought, 'let's top-up this farecard first. Then walk to a place I know at the park and jump into the reservoir.'

So I continued walking, the surroundings hardly mattered and I was so focused until someone called my name and stepped infront of me.

It took me a while to recover and look at the person, who turns out to be a friend whom I had not contacted for the past 5 years. Not when I graduated, nor our common friend married, or when her brother married nor when her father died; and she called me, stalling me in my task.

We exchanged pleasantries and she invited me to her house for a sit.
Basically, to do nothing.
I knew her for over a decade, so I know that we would be just lounging about.

A few things crossed my mind. The suicide plan, the despair, the failed run-into-traffic and die plan, and the fact that in the past five years I have not met her, it is to meet her now and for her to gain my attention, it must mean that this is a chance given to me by God.

I know so I grabbed it and went to her house.

The reason being that I hardly stop for anyone when they call me, most of the time I do not notice. What are the chances that she successfully stopped me in my tracks?

Two, I did not give any hint as to what I was planning to do.

Three, I was willing very much so to go to 'Hell' for suicide, because it is just too painful to remain alive.

Four, if I do not go to her place. I will most surely go alone to the park and jump into the waters there.

So I went and spent the afternoon there. She asked me something and I told her that I left my phone at home, so she remarked that it is a rare person to not have a mobile phone attached to the hip. I told her it was deliberate, and her sister thought that I wanted to be disconnected.

Yes. I wanted to disconnect from this World. I didn't need the phone.

She asked me about my job, and I told her it was the still the same, teaching at the same school. Her sister showed me her 'new' room.

I guess being re-connected to normal life without constant abuse is good. The abuser is not a person I can abandon, though for a moment I wanted to abandon them. I guess this is what they call 'care-giver stress'.

Today is really an experience that is unexpected, and perhaps I will happen to go through it again. Though I am not sure if this almost suicide will become real when I run out of chances to grab on to Life.

The motivation to continue

How can I last for another five more years? I do not know.
I feel the need to be reenergised every morning and find meaning behind my work.
My soul feels like a plant that has gone too long without water.
However, we all have our commitments and our debts, so I have to remain employed.
The world is rich and at the same time, money does not just grow on trees.
In order to provide for those who depend on my income, I have to continue plodding along.

Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. – 1 Timothy 5:8

Now, I can pray for my debts to be absolved and think that with no obligation to pay for my debts, I can be free as a bird. However, I must not forget that a man still must eat bread. Even after my debts are absolved, I will still need to work to survive.

There are still responsibilities to be held. Responsibilities to those who are dependent on me, and though I am tired, I cannot give up. Even though, I may cut down on my food and drink the same cannot be said of my family. The babies, still need their milk and the elderly need their gruel.

However, forcing myself to continue to work when my heart is not in it, is putting its drain on me.

Perhaps I am foolish.

For Psalm 127 says,

¹ Unless the Lord builds the house,
    the builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
    the guards stand watch in vain.
² In vain you rise early
    and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
    for he grants sleep to^[a] those he loves.

 

But I will never know. If the work is available then I have to grab it. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

What joy and laughter? What providence? What sorrow?

There are just too many unknowns.

No matter what, I just feel so tired and fatigued. All I can do is to move along and complete my dues. Perhaps then I will be paid for all the work that I have done.

References

http://biblehub.com/commentaries/1_timothy/5-8.htm

Frustrations

Today, I want to blog about my frustrations.

I find with that I have actually become busier and busier with this and that. So much so that 24 hours a day is insufficient.

I am unsure if it is due to my incompetence for inefficiency of using my time, or if I have overloaded my plate.

Of course, I have gone on courses on how to increase my productivity and one of the things the trainer mentined is focusing on completing each job so that the efficiency and quality of the outcome is assured.
That means that I give priority to what I am doing and place other things on the back burner for the moment.

I have tried that too, and I find that made my family upset about me.

Often, I find that when I am the busiest, trying to complete my learning/ having to attend a syncronised webinar/ just doing work, that everybody else starts wanting my attention.

So that frustrates me.

Also, it seems as though some of things that everyone is forcing me to place their work as the most urgent priority and keep hounding me to complete their item. It is as if they have nothing else to do but to demand from me work.So how am I ever going to complete things that I want to achieve?

To tell the truth, I feel very much abused. Both at work and at home. Although I am allowed to lve I am not allowed to make my own decisions, and take things at my own pace.

This makes me very very frustrated and being told that I have 10371463075623476 faults does not help me at all.

So I need to go for a hynotherapy to cure me off my lack of emotions? I think that I am just too exhausted everyday dealing with all the rubbish that is being forced upon me to respond like a normal human being. What is a normal human being any way?

We are not all well behaved. When a certain behaviour or standard is demanded of us, we are expected to meet it. Especially when we have transitioned into an adult. Poof! You are to be able to change what you feel about things immediately and do it sincerely, without seeming to be faking it.

So what if I am faking it? Isn't that required of me?

But faking things has is consequences, that I am feeling for years now. Being totally hollow inside.
And now it has become a problem.

Why? That is because people don't want a person who is just faking things, even though things are going swimmingly along.

That's hypocritical isn't it. Humans are such demanding creatures, wanting everything to be done their way and results to go their way and at the end of things, they say, " Oh! I am sorry, I want things to be more real."

What?

So all the effort that I have put in is for nothing?

Apparently so.

And I found out that everything else is important to them but what you really feel. It doesn't matter if you have voiced out what you wanted. In the end, they will use your words against you by cornering you and not giving chances so that you will follow whatever they planned.

So what should I do?

I have yet to find out.

Meanwhile I did a search online and stumbled upon two articles, which I read and found many similarities of my life with what is written. I think that I will be rereading those and come to terms with what is happening to my life.

I will like to share the articles here.

Not much. Good luck.

Here are two articles I read:
https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/the-dangers-of-faking-it-in-ministry
http://www.luke173ministries.org/466817