Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Daily pressure

Fear, anxiety and despair.

I am so familiar with these feelings. Sometimes, it comes in the mornings, sometimes in the afternoons, or even the night. It may be just a fleeting thought, or it could last for hours, days even. and the one common denomination is people.

I know, Jim Rohn always said, "Don't wish it were easier, wish you were better.@

I do, I do wish. Though I wish it were easier.

My heart aches for a reason, that I do not know.

Maybe it is disappointment. I am determined to know.

At my age, I can hardly believe that I am still finding myself. Habits have been formed and I am going to change them.

Work takes up much of my say, then chores. I have to take some time off, to look for a Life, much more a Life partner.

My friend just told me " what's the worst that could happen?"

" Death?"

The truth is I am not that afraid to die, just what happens if I don't?

Monday, October 3, 2016


I will admit, there are times when I feel totally down and out.
Everyday, passes as an agony and the future is bleak and full of unknown.

At this time, when the fear and despair overcomes you.
The scripture gave me strength to continue.

Matthew 10:29-31New International Version (NIV)
29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.[a] 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows

If sparrows who are much smaller than you and live in the wilderness, is able to survive and live happily. Then what is there is fear?

If everything is prepared for you, then as long as you do what is required, you will not have any problems.


The Lord will provide, when we follow his teachings, we will prosper and there is nothing to fear.
What is fear?
When there is unknowns, and unpreparedness. When we do not make all the preparation, is unable to make changes when we have the opportunity, then we will feel that Life is miserable.

How can Life be a chore? We should be realistic, that in this short span of time we have, we are making the most of it.

If even sparrows can do it, why not us? We are more valuable than them.


Saturday, September 10, 2016

In search of happiness

For a person who lives in such a perfectly happy country, where everything is good.

The children have meaningful and fulfilled lives, and all men and women have a high standard of living. You live in a place where there is free speech, freedom of the mind and the soul, and boundless opportunities.

Your future is full of hope and the country stable, and secure. Yet, you work night and day. Stealing some time away from your busy schedules, for family events and what not. You hardly have the time to eat and sleep, much less exercise.

You eat plain bread and stay in private properties, and your jobs change every season.
You live daily in a maybe.
At night, you turn to your side and sleep scrunched and lonely.

How happy you are, that you wish to take another to pass each day by your side. As you silently prod away in the darkness, gathering your resources.
That may not enter your belly for the next twenty years.
Your waist swells and your belt tightens, because it has bloated up with gas and fats. Your blood pressure goes sky high and your eyes, ears and memories start to fail you, as you continue to grasp at straws to build your nest.

In search for happiness, you move here and there. Keeping secrets and making friends. How successful you are, only you can say, as you crow a top a haystack in a cold day.

Jeremiah 17:10, 21-25

10 “I the Lord search the heart
    and examine the mind,
to reward each person according to their conduct,
    according to what their deeds deserve.”
21 This is what the Lord says: Be careful not to carry a load on the Sabbath day or bring it through the gates of Jerusalem. 22 Do not bring a load out of your houses or do any work on the Sabbath, but keep the Sabbath day holy, as I commanded your ancestors. 23 Yet they did not listen or pay attention; they were stiff-necked and would not listen or respond to discipline. 24 But if you are careful to obey me, declares the Lord, and bring no load through the gates of this city on the Sabbath, but keep the Sabbath day holy by not doing any work on it, 25 then kings who sit on David’s throne will come through the gates of this city with their officials.


Wednesday, September 7, 2016

The Lord not Idols – Isaiah 44:19

Perhaps I have too much time and space in my hands, I cannot stop thinking about things that could be, things that ought to be, and the myriad things that I wish it to be.

I can understand if one is to be driven away from their origin and bow to idolatry.

I confess that I have many times and have ever entertained the thought of going for the easy way out, and commit my actions to knowingly do all the wrong things, if only to get a better chance.

I confess that the urges are great, and I have often fallen prey to the thought of wanting something more or something better. That I am often taken to swoon-worthy heights and crash on to the hard ground called reality all too often.

To get onto your knees and bow in supplication is surprisingly easy to do. There is nothing that cannot be done, and there is no money that is not to be spent. Perhaps it is guilt or desperation. That things that can be solved by money are simple problems. Perhaps, I want to make the problems that seem insurmountable disappear all at once, and that it got all my troubles away even for a short while.

So we bow, and grovel with the hope that all these actions will make things better. Soetimes it does, and others it does not; but when it does, we believe more in the action, and when it does not, we think that the same action must be repeated with more reverence and in greater quantity, for it to finally succeed.

The Lord not Idols – Isaiah 44:19

19 No one stops to think,
no one has the knowledge or understanding to say,
“Half of it I used for fuel;
I even baked bread over its coals,
I roasted meat and I ate.
Shall I make a detestable thing from what is left?
Shall I bow down to a block of wood?”

When we are lost, and the future is all murky. We are desperate to find and grasp any tiny streak of hope.

We sometimes forget that we have within ourselves the ability to make small changes so that we may perhaps overcome our problems.

If one method is not working, then we have to try another. The future is never certain, what is certain is if we do not allow for sufficient time and effort, and consult a wisdom, then history of our Lives will be written forever by another’s hand.

What now seems to be inutile may in the future be the grain that tips the scales in our favour.

I cannot give up, and I must remember that the Lord is there for me, and I must move along with his Grace. The trails that I encounter will make me a better person, and Life has to still be lead.

Monday, August 29, 2016

Hope and Helplessness

Is it possible to feel both hope and helplessness? That’s what I have been feeling these few weeks.

I wonder what has happened to me all those years that have past. I feel as if I have done nothing.  Nothing at all for my health, my wealth, my metal stability.

I feel as if I have regressed, and become worst as compared to 10 years ago. I have less disposable income, less freedom of expression and just less of everything.

I wish to write something positive, and I find myself grasping at straws. Is it because of me?

I have tried to build my castle, out of whatever material I can find. Perhaps the foundations seem shaky, I am not confident of what will happen.

Still I try and try to improve my lot.

Am I trying to do something against the Lord? To wish for something that is not promised to me? To what end have I done anything for myself and to what end have I followed the Lord’s teaching?

There are so many fears and unknowns, that I battle every day. I just want to find my peace and happiness. For great things come from personal joy.

Walking about everywhere, I cannot find the joy to appreciate anything. Everywhere I go I am miserable, whether some place luxurious, or another place horrible. I feel the same emptiness and pain. I feel burdened and dejected. The yoke of daily Life never felt heavier.

If I am to claim that I am humble, I am not. If I am to try to be humble, I do not know if I am.
How am I to leave this quandary?
Lord, please help me.

I wish more than anything to open my heart to wisdom and love. Where are they? What are they?
I wish for happiness, and not hopelessness.

Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Should I seek peace, I should first remove myself from my mind, and seek to please others. Who are these that I should please and how will I know what I am doing is in God’s favour?
I must look outside the problem to find the solution. For my months of searching within has yet to yield any solution.


Thursday, July 7, 2016

What to fear in old age


I have some many things to fear.
The fear of poverty, the fear of aging, the fear of dieing, the fear of looking unattractive, of being sickly, of being alone.

God says do not fear,
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deuteronomy 31:6)

I am trying to be strong, and learning to be courageous.
It is tiring, I try and try, and I keep failing, and falling.
The pressure is intense and I keep getting told that I am not performing.

The meals that I eat and the water that I drink. I am just being put down and stepped upon.

Is it that I don't have the skills, or the ability?

God, I am trying and trying. Going for lessons, practicing, and doing. My heart is bleeding and my skin feels raw, my entire body aches. There is no one to listen to my woes.

God, what do I do?

Saturday, June 25, 2016

About writing and living

I try to write, I really do and I find that it is really difficult to do.
Sometimes the words come out flowing like water.
Other times, they disappear like mist under the sun.

When writing, I tend to focus on what is being written. Whether the content is good and concise, rather than think of what rewards will be to come.

Of course, I will be lieing if I say that I do not expect my books to sell. A person should be paid for the good work that he does.

Suffice to say, this year has been like a drought that has come to my land.
The fields are dry, and I wait with growing anxiety if there are any harvests to be done.

Many things are happening, and I know that the coming years will only become tougher.
How will things change for me? That I can only speculate.

I wish for more money, yet there aways seem to be not enough.
I walk about with less than 2 dollars in my pocket, and look with longing at the vending machines filled with cool drinks.
It is a good thing that I have a bottle, to fill up from the hose.

I should be thankful, for the water. After all, that is all I need to survive.

And I wish with all my heart, to be more than surviving. To have more of everything.