The Cardinal Sin

I was cooking, preparing food for the coming week. My work is hard, and my social life confined. I cannot read or write, talk or type without a person standing or sitting beside me staring at everything I do.

I spent days and night, listening to complains against my person, about how many wrongs I have done and continue to do, about how flawed my person is.

It is also about how many sacrifices have been made and of how ungrateful a person I was.

I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that when I went for a therapy session on how I am apparently emotionless and a dickhead, hence the very expensive hypno-therapy, that things will not end pretty.

So the condition of endless anger and accusations from morning to morning, before daybreak to after midnight, with sleep disruptions factored in the middle. I am still expected to go to work and function as well as a normal person in the day, with smiles and laughter, because we just cannot live without the money and security the job brings.

I went to the toilet, the food is left on the stove simmering and the scolding continued and then I decided to leave this place.

I took my keys, wallet and thought that I should top-up my fare card. It was running out of value. Thoughtlessly crossing the road outside of my house into traffic.

The traffic stopped and the driver did not angrily honk at me. I made it pass the road safely. Damn.

The road outside my house is famous for having several hit and run lethal accidents, yet nothing happened to me.

Then I proceed to the station to top-up my farecard.

All along, my mind kept churning out methods of dying, killing myself. They say that suicide is a pre-mediated crime, that is true.

Every day I think of taking my Life and today the urge is especially strong. Strong as when I tried to suicide by hanging twenty years ago in my room. The set up is very simple. You only need to not be able to support yourself against the floor. A dictionary, book binder and the cupboard handle did the job. I almost died had I not changed my mind after hanging for maybe 10-20 seconds.

I wanted to throw away the bag I had on me, containing all my Worldly goods. It did not matter at all, it felt more like an albatross than anything worth to treasure.

It does not matter that I will not have anything to identify myself with, or my money or my future. There is nothing to look forward to.

Somehow, I think I was reluctant to suicide. Half the time while I planned my death, the other half kept me from just going up the next block to jump, or to throw away all my stuff and fling myself against the traffic again and I thought, 'let's top-up this farecard first. Then walk to a place I know at the park and jump into the reservoir.'

So I continued walking, the surroundings hardly mattered and I was so focused until someone called my name and stepped infront of me.

It took me a while to recover and look at the person, who turns out to be a friend whom I had not contacted for the past 5 years. Not when I graduated, nor our common friend married, or when her brother married nor when her father died; and she called me, stalling me in my task.

We exchanged pleasantries and she invited me to her house for a sit.
Basically, to do nothing.
I knew her for over a decade, so I know that we would be just lounging about.

A few things crossed my mind. The suicide plan, the despair, the failed run-into-traffic and die plan, and the fact that in the past five years I have not met her, it is to meet her now and for her to gain my attention, it must mean that this is a chance given to me by God.

I know so I grabbed it and went to her house.

The reason being that I hardly stop for anyone when they call me, most of the time I do not notice. What are the chances that she successfully stopped me in my tracks?

Two, I did not give any hint as to what I was planning to do.

Three, I was willing very much so to go to 'Hell' for suicide, because it is just too painful to remain alive.

Four, if I do not go to her place. I will most surely go alone to the park and jump into the waters there.

So I went and spent the afternoon there. She asked me something and I told her that I left my phone at home, so she remarked that it is a rare person to not have a mobile phone attached to the hip. I told her it was deliberate, and her sister thought that I wanted to be disconnected.

Yes. I wanted to disconnect from this World. I didn't need the phone.

She asked me about my job, and I told her it was the still the same, teaching at the same school. Her sister showed me her 'new' room.

I guess being re-connected to normal life without constant abuse is good. The abuser is not a person I can abandon, though for a moment I wanted to abandon them. I guess this is what they call 'care-giver stress'.

Today is really an experience that is unexpected, and perhaps I will happen to go through it again. Though I am not sure if this almost suicide will become real when I run out of chances to grab on to Life.