Daily pressure

Fear, anxiety and despair.

I am so familiar with these feelings. Sometimes, it comes in the mornings, sometimes in the afternoons, or even the night. It may be just a fleeting thought, or it could last for hours, days even. and the one common denomination is people.

I know, Jim Rohn always said, "Don't wish it were easier, wish you were better.@


I do, I do wish. Though I wish it were easier.

My heart aches for a reason, that I do not know.

Maybe it is disappointment. I am determined to know.

At my age, I can hardly believe that I am still finding myself. Habits have been formed and I am going to change them.

Work takes up much of my say, then chores. I have to take some time off, to look for a Life, much more a Life partner.

My friend just told me " what's the worst that could happen?"

" Death?"

The truth is I am not that afraid to die, just what happens if I don't?

Hope and Helplessness

Is it possible to feel both hope and helplessness? That’s what I have been feeling these few weeks.

I wonder what has happened to me all those years that have past. I feel as if I have done nothing.  Nothing at all for my health, my wealth, my metal stability.

I feel as if I have regressed, and become worst as compared to 10 years ago. I have less disposable income, less freedom of expression and just less of everything.

I wish to write something positive, and I find myself grasping at straws. Is it because of me?

I have tried to build my castle, out of whatever material I can find. Perhaps the foundations seem shaky, I am not confident of what will happen.

Still I try and try to improve my lot.

Am I trying to do something against the Lord? To wish for something that is not promised to me? To what end have I done anything for myself and to what end have I followed the Lord’s teaching?

There are so many fears and unknowns, that I battle every day. I just want to find my peace and happiness. For great things come from personal joy.

Walking about everywhere, I cannot find the joy to appreciate anything. Everywhere I go I am miserable, whether some place luxurious, or another place horrible. I feel the same emptiness and pain. I feel burdened and dejected. The yoke of daily Life never felt heavier.

If I am to claim that I am humble, I am not. If I am to try to be humble, I do not know if I am.

How am I to leave this quandary?
Lord, please help me.

I wish more than anything to open my heart to wisdom and love. Where are they? What are they?

I wish for happiness, and not hopelessness.

 

Philippians 4:6-7

⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
 

Should I seek peace, I should first remove myself from my mind, and seek to please others. Who are these that I should please and how will I know what I am doing is in God’s favour?

I must look outside the problem to find the solution. For my months of searching within has yet to yield any solution.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Philippians%204:6-7

https://www.studylight.org/commentary/philippians/4-6.html

https://bible.org/seriespage/lesson-24-answer-anxiety-philippians-46-7

The Cardinal Sin

I was cooking, preparing food for the coming week. My work is hard, and my social life confined. I cannot read or write, talk or type without a person standing or sitting beside me staring at everything I do.

I spent days and night, listening to complains against my person, about how many wrongs I have done and continue to do, about how flawed my person is.

It is also about how many sacrifices have been made and of how ungrateful a person I was.

I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that when I went for a therapy session on how I am apparently emotionless and a dickhead, hence the very expensive hypno-therapy, that things will not end pretty.

So the condition of endless anger and accusations from morning to morning, before daybreak to after midnight, with sleep disruptions factored in the middle. I am still expected to go to work and function as well as a normal person in the day, with smiles and laughter, because we just cannot live without the money and security the job brings.

I went to the toilet, the food is left on the stove simmering and the scolding continued and then I decided to leave this place.

I took my keys, wallet and thought that I should top-up my fare card. It was running out of value. Thoughtlessly crossing the road outside of my house into traffic.

The traffic stopped and the driver did not angrily honk at me. I made it pass the road safely. Damn.

The road outside my house is famous for having several hit and run lethal accidents, yet nothing happened to me.

Then I proceed to the station to top-up my farecard.

All along, my mind kept churning out methods of dying, killing myself. They say that suicide is a pre-mediated crime, that is true.

Every day I think of taking my Life and today the urge is especially strong. Strong as when I tried to suicide by hanging twenty years ago in my room. The set up is very simple. You only need to not be able to support yourself against the floor. A dictionary, book binder and the cupboard handle did the job. I almost died had I not changed my mind after hanging for maybe 10-20 seconds.

I wanted to throw away the bag I had on me, containing all my Worldly goods. It did not matter at all, it felt more like an albatross than anything worth to treasure.

It does not matter that I will not have anything to identify myself with, or my money or my future. There is nothing to look forward to.

Somehow, I think I was reluctant to suicide. Half the time while I planned my death, the other half kept me from just going up the next block to jump, or to throw away all my stuff and fling myself against the traffic again and I thought, 'let's top-up this farecard first. Then walk to a place I know at the park and jump into the reservoir.'

So I continued walking, the surroundings hardly mattered and I was so focused until someone called my name and stepped infront of me.

It took me a while to recover and look at the person, who turns out to be a friend whom I had not contacted for the past 5 years. Not when I graduated, nor our common friend married, or when her brother married nor when her father died; and she called me, stalling me in my task.

We exchanged pleasantries and she invited me to her house for a sit.
Basically, to do nothing.
I knew her for over a decade, so I know that we would be just lounging about.

A few things crossed my mind. The suicide plan, the despair, the failed run-into-traffic and die plan, and the fact that in the past five years I have not met her, it is to meet her now and for her to gain my attention, it must mean that this is a chance given to me by God.

I know so I grabbed it and went to her house.

The reason being that I hardly stop for anyone when they call me, most of the time I do not notice. What are the chances that she successfully stopped me in my tracks?

Two, I did not give any hint as to what I was planning to do.

Three, I was willing very much so to go to 'Hell' for suicide, because it is just too painful to remain alive.

Four, if I do not go to her place. I will most surely go alone to the park and jump into the waters there.

So I went and spent the afternoon there. She asked me something and I told her that I left my phone at home, so she remarked that it is a rare person to not have a mobile phone attached to the hip. I told her it was deliberate, and her sister thought that I wanted to be disconnected.

Yes. I wanted to disconnect from this World. I didn't need the phone.

She asked me about my job, and I told her it was the still the same, teaching at the same school. Her sister showed me her 'new' room.

I guess being re-connected to normal life without constant abuse is good. The abuser is not a person I can abandon, though for a moment I wanted to abandon them. I guess this is what they call 'care-giver stress'.

Today is really an experience that is unexpected, and perhaps I will happen to go through it again. Though I am not sure if this almost suicide will become real when I run out of chances to grab on to Life.

Frustrations

Today, I want to blog about my frustrations.

I find with that I have actually become busier and busier with this and that. So much so that 24 hours a day is insufficient.

I am unsure if it is due to my incompetence for inefficiency of using my time, or if I have overloaded my plate.

Of course, I have gone on courses on how to increase my productivity and one of the things the trainer mentined is focusing on completing each job so that the efficiency and quality of the outcome is assured.
That means that I give priority to what I am doing and place other things on the back burner for the moment.

I have tried that too, and I find that made my family upset about me.

Often, I find that when I am the busiest, trying to complete my learning/ having to attend a syncronised webinar/ just doing work, that everybody else starts wanting my attention.

So that frustrates me.

Also, it seems as though some of things that everyone is forcing me to place their work as the most urgent priority and keep hounding me to complete their item. It is as if they have nothing else to do but to demand from me work.So how am I ever going to complete things that I want to achieve?

To tell the truth, I feel very much abused. Both at work and at home. Although I am allowed to lve I am not allowed to make my own decisions, and take things at my own pace.

This makes me very very frustrated and being told that I have 10371463075623476 faults does not help me at all.

So I need to go for a hynotherapy to cure me off my lack of emotions? I think that I am just too exhausted everyday dealing with all the rubbish that is being forced upon me to respond like a normal human being. What is a normal human being any way?

We are not all well behaved. When a certain behaviour or standard is demanded of us, we are expected to meet it. Especially when we have transitioned into an adult. Poof! You are to be able to change what you feel about things immediately and do it sincerely, without seeming to be faking it.

So what if I am faking it? Isn't that required of me?

But faking things has is consequences, that I am feeling for years now. Being totally hollow inside.
And now it has become a problem.

Why? That is because people don't want a person who is just faking things, even though things are going swimmingly along.

That's hypocritical isn't it. Humans are such demanding creatures, wanting everything to be done their way and results to go their way and at the end of things, they say, " Oh! I am sorry, I want things to be more real."

What?

So all the effort that I have put in is for nothing?

Apparently so.

And I found out that everything else is important to them but what you really feel. It doesn't matter if you have voiced out what you wanted. In the end, they will use your words against you by cornering you and not giving chances so that you will follow whatever they planned.

So what should I do?

I have yet to find out.

Meanwhile I did a search online and stumbled upon two articles, which I read and found many similarities of my life with what is written. I think that I will be rereading those and come to terms with what is happening to my life.

I will like to share the articles here.

Not much. Good luck.

Here are two articles I read:
https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/the-dangers-of-faking-it-in-ministry
http://www.luke173ministries.org/466817

The Falsehood Of Love

What is Love? Is it just a word that is uttered for you to gain what you want?

When you think to manipulate someone with words of Love, then I think that you are displaying a decidedly unchristian like behaviour.

 

It may not even be ‘Christian’ or ‘Buddhism’ or any type of religion for that matter. When you think to achieve something using by manipulating the emotion of ‘Love’, it is like a thief or a robber which comes to burglarise another’s safe haven.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. – Romans 12:9

 

When we receive declarations of love from others, we can feel the sincerity behind what is said.

While it may sound good, but when there is a skewed reason other than that which is true, then the feelings that it is supposed to bring up will go missing.

When we receive declarations of Love and we feel that there is something off about it, we must be clear minded enough to find out the motivations behind it.

What is the person in love with?

Is the person in love with the idea of having children, whether adopted or his own?

Is the person in love with the feeling of love?

Is the person in love with being popular?

Is the person in love with….

There are so many possibilities, it is difficult to pin-point what it is.

However, when put to the test. The one to abandon ship first is the one who is least interested in understanding the real fundamentals behind what Love is.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is not something that you can measure and explain. When there is an objective measure then you will find that it disappoints. The reason why we love something is subject to our feelings, so to determine the boundaries of love is impossible.

When we claim to love another not due to the pure feeling of wanting to be together, then it is a hypocrisy.

So what does the bible say about hypocrisy?

 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. – Romans 12:9

We cannot think to force ourselves on each other. A natural way of cultivating love is the way, do not think of temptations, and also not to tempt the other. By way of flaunting our assets, we try to use our minds more than our hearts and ignore that we should take both together in equal weightage.

N.B. This post first appeared in "Life Of Faith: Exploration".

Emotions

Emotions, what are they?

They are described as the affective aspect of consciousness. [1]

Emotions are both positive and negative. For a long time, people are interested in with emotions and how to manage them.

We are often very confused and may not understand what is happening. There is emotion for all animals and also humans. Robert Plutchik, a psychologist, categorises that there are eight primary emotions – anger, fear, sadness, disgust, surprise, anticipation, trust and joy. [2]

 

I think that this pretty much sums up what we feel all the time.

However, I also feel that with the rapid urbanisation and human’s growth, emotions become pushed aside and we do not have as much opportunity to fully recognise the basic emotions that we should feel.

Often, we are told to control our urges, no matter how tiring or irksome, we are unable to act on our emotions freely.

We have read so many examples:

A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds back. – proverbs 29:11

A hot tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention. – proverbs 15:18

Theses proverbs both tell us to keep our outburst to ourselves. However, to keep our emotions within us when we are unhappy is surely to the road of destruction.

 

Man naturally wish to control themselves and others. The ultimate show of power is to control the emotions of others. So if we are to decide for others how they should feel, or for you to surrender your emotions to the control of another. What then is emotion to you?

 

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. The wicked accepts a bribe in secret to pervert the ways of justice. – proverbs 17:22 – 23

 

Without the control of your own emotions, or the disability to have control over them because of various reasons, then I say that you have been robbed!

You may not know if you are beggared but you are. A lack of emotions quickly is followed by a crushed spirit.

It becomes a problem.

It is just like a rich man who is systematically drained off his wealth. When another forces their own opinions on others and dictate how they should or should not feel.

Can you even control how a person should feel?

You may control their actions and only the wise understand that and the nefarious should think to change a man’s feelings.

The bible also states:

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. – romans 12:15

 

We have been given the ability to empathise. However some manipulate others by using their empathy while some help others using the same tool. For emotions are the driving force of all actions, once the emotion is controlled then people control your actions and thought.

 

 

 

Remember, that only dolls have no emotion, they also have no say in their actions and are manipulated behind the screen by a puppeteer. Even the ‘speech’ that is heard being nothing more than a thrown voice.

So take back control of your emotions, and you will take control of your life.

 

Reference

[1] - http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/emotion

[2] - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Plutchik#Theory_of_emotion